Different from last time. When I was pregnant with Evelyn, it was a breeze. I LOVED being pregnant. I was nauseous for a good portion of my first trimester but could control it with a change in diet and frequency in eating. What does that mean? It means I ate crackers, oatmeal and bean burritos every 2 hours all day long. My second trimester I started feeling great. And having cravings. Which changed every 4-8 weeks. I wanted McNuggets, Big Macs, waffles with peanut butter and bananas, fresh fruit, steamed broccoli, Whoppers with Onion Rings, any huge cheeseburger, cereal, milk and finally pizza rolls. These were ALL of the cravings I can remember. These occurred throughout my second and third trimesters. Everything tasted good, but these things were AH-MAZE-ING. This time around I have had some cravings but it is more of things make me wanna puke so by process of elimination I will eat this today. I have been craving Big Macs again but I’m coming out of that. I did crave Chef Boyardee. Yuck. lol I was OH SO sick in my first trimester with this baby. I couldn’t eat anything for nearly 10 weeks. It got to the point that I was given a prescription for Zofran-an anti nausea pill. It helped me be able to eat 3 square meals a day. Nothing ever sounded good, but I didn’t feel like puking every 10 minutes. It was miserable. The Zofran helped the nausea but gave me migraines and constipation you wouldn’t believe. I still get bad headaches about 4 days a week. Tylenol, the only pain reliever I can take, doesn’t touch it. With Evelyn I felt all of the aches of a growing belly around 25-28 weeks. This time it started well before 14 weeks. And has only gotten worse. I have intense pelvic pain and round ligament pains. Ever heard of an anterior placenta? No? It means that when you want to come up and touch my mound of a baby bump, you’re rubbing the nutrient-rich pillow that is the placenta and not my precious cargo. My uterus is now carrying weight differently than it remembered. And it hurts. A great deal. This pregnancy is different.
I am beyond frightened that something terrible will happen. Not just because my anxiety is out of control this time around but because I have had something painful happen. I was pregnant with my 2nd baby already. April 2012. It was an early loss but a loss nonetheless. I knew for about 5 days that I was expecting. I was freaking out. Once I started being excited, I lost the baby. I never got to see the baby. Hear the heartbeat. Feel that feeling of pregnancy in any way-good or bad. With this baby. I am excited but hesitant. I don’t want to get happy and then have something bad happen. I start to have a panic attack if I don’t feel right, or haven’t felt the baby move in a few hours, which sucks because of the anterior placenta….front positioned placenta=fewer movements felt. Too many bad things have happened to me and my family. I am scared to be happy about a good one. I want this baby so bad. No we didn’t “plan” the baby. We planned on letting nature take its course after Evelyn. That was our plan. And here we are. I miss the baby I never will meet on this earth. However, I am super excited to be carrying my rainbow baby. I just don’t feel like I can be excited out loud.
Ladies, imagine one of your worst periods (minus any cramping). Now, I want you to add on top of that incredible fatigue, a parasite, and bloating beyond anything you’ve ever experienced. Are you there? Yes? Good. Now you’re on your way to understanding this pregnancy for me. My hormones are having a field day. I am angry out of nowhere. I am crying at the drop of a hat. I hate the way I feel. I hate the way I look. I don’t want to look in the mirror because all I see is a whale looking back a me. A beached whale. I had lost 5 lbs, and then found out I was pregnant. Cue the morning sickness and unbelievable exhaustion. No more working out. I was so sick and tired that now that I can eat, I do. I should be more vigilant of what I put into my body. At this point, however, I am more concerned with baby’s health than my own. Don’t get me started on my horrible skin or my frumpy hair. You may see a glow and some luscious locks. I see acne and a mangled poof of hair. My hormones have given me drunk goggles….that work the wrong way. I’m not drunk to where I see a hot mess and think “now that’s a fine woman.” No. I have drunk to where I see every flaw and imperfection. My body issues have been magnified 100 fold.
In the end, all of this ickiness I am feeling will be worth it. If all pans out well, I will end up with the most perfect little person that was made out of love and will fill my heart to a whole new level I didn’t know existed. My mommy meter is already off the charts, and I’ve only seen my baby once on a black and white and grey screen. Once baby arrives, all of this pain, swinging hormones and discomfort won’t matter one bit. My journey to pregnancy hasn’t been perfect, easy or without bumps. It will be worth it. No matter how it happens, becoming a parent makes any and all struggle worth it.